A pimp, a Jedi, and a college student walk into a bar…

This weekend yeilded two tales of bargoing excellence. I would like to state, here and now, that I was sober for 100% of these happenings. The medication I am on for my super-psinus infection expressly prohibits drinking for fear of death.

My friend Boyle came in from Missouri on Friday night. He joined us for Karate club, where we both had a very good workout along with the few people that show up weekly for the meetings. Not much of consiquence happened here but I did confirm the fact that my illness did strip me of the 10 pounds that I gained over the summer. I’m back down to my fighting weight of 145. Hoo-hah.

We decided that we wanted to go to the bar on Friday night. This weekend being Homecoming we ran into a crap-load of people that we knew. The evening was pretty uneventful except for the fact that the serving-wench neglected to hear me say Diet Coke and delivered a Rum and Coke instead so I passed that off to a friend of mine. Since I was not drinking I was fully aware that the Beer Garden was about 40 degrees all night but the rest of the people I was with seemed oblivious to this fact.

The evening wrapped up and I exited the bar with Boyle. We decided to take the drunk bus home and were stuck standing because it was pretty packed in there. Aside from my spidey-sense tingling at being totally sober in proximity to a large amount of drunk people things were OK. We rode the bus for a few minutes and then someone pinched my butt. I turned around and this girl (probably about 18, kinda cute) was there grinning at me. I thought nothing of it and then turned back around. About 10 seconds later she full-on grabs my butt and begins squeezing. At this point, I wheel around and I’m like, “Hey, knock it off!” She looks embarrassed and goes back to giggling with her friends. I overhear her say “that guy’s ass is really tight”. Needless to say it was pretty hilarious. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, another girl farther down the row began projectile vomiting all over the bus, so Boyle and I decided to take that opportunity to exit the bus and walk back to my dorm.

The next story is a little more exciting. On Saturday, we were going out again because one of our old floormates decided to come and visit. Our normal bar that we go to is the Pace and it was so packed that we decided to head to our fallback, the Ritz. We stood around and were mostly bored. Drinks were expensive and the bar was slowly getting so packed that the amount of drink-getters was outweighing the ability of the bar girl to serve drinks. Again, I reiterate that I was sober because I’m still on my medicine. I’m standing there talking to one of my buddies when I hear a scuffle behind me. I wheel around to see this girl lamely attempting to drag this guy that was about my size away from someone he obviously wanted to beat up quite badly.

She had her arm around his neck and was mostly up off the ground. This guy shifted his weight and plowed into me, then reared back to lunge toward whoever it was that he wanted to fight. His arm came back to swing heymaker-style, so I hooked it and executed a pretty decent hip throw. It didn’t knock him over because of the extra/offbalanced weight of the girl on his back, but it did let me break his balance long enough to hold him back with a front stance. At this moment, two of his friends grab him and drag him down. At this point, my buddies see me in what they perceived as trouble, and they come running over to help. Boyle came up and offered to execute the Great Elbow of Justice but I called him off before he cracked this guys skull open.

His friends finally got him restrained properly, and I went to find my buddy Kaleb. Kaleb is a bouncer at the bar, and also a black belt from Ed’s dojo. I explain to him what happened and at this moment the guy and his friends walked right past us. I point them out, and Kaleb chucks them from the bar. While he is removing them, I went back to my friends. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was all done in full view of basically everyone that I went out with, and they were pretty stinking impressed.

About five minutes later, Kaleb came back around and thanked me. He said they were really understaffed and then asked me if I wanted to wear a staff headset so I could call them/they could call me if I was needed. I told him that I would. He went into the back, and came out and told me that they didn’t have any with batteries, but to keep an ear open and he’d yell for me if I was needed. Luckily, that did not happen, and I ended up with an awesome story from a sober night out.